SCOTT LUDWIG: If life were truly fair …

Wouldn’t it be nice if life was truly, truly fair?

Then perhaps:

· Two people wouldn’t have to share a single arm rest on an airplane or in a movie theater.

· Calories would be based on the weight of the food or drink, not whatever it is that calories come from. That way, consuming a dozen glazed Krispy Kreme doughnuts would be practically harmless.

· Everyone would be right-handed. Or left. It really doesn’t matter. Just pick one or the other.

· Everyone would be paid according to what they are worth based on their individual potential. In other words, earnings would be based on a person’s performance relative to their respective mental, emotional, and/or physical abilities.

· There would be no need for surveillance cameras, security guards, or those things people are installing by their front doors to watch whatever goes on.

· Everyone would have a roof over their head, as well as a place to lay their head at night.

· John Bonham, the drummer for Led Zeppelin, would still be with us. As it were, his death broke up the band. Literally.

· The Beatles would have stuck together for a few more years. Damn you, Yoko.

· The weather each day would be whatever it is they’re having in San Diego.

· There would be no mosquitos. Cockroaches, either. Or, for that matter, calculus.

· JFK would have served two terms as President. And some others would not have served at all.

· My dad would have lived long enough to meet his great-grandson. Then, my grandson would have been able to meet his great-grandfather.

· Every college would eventually win a national championship in football. Except Notre Dame, of course.

· Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, and Texas A&M would not be in the Southeastern Conference. Now that I think about it, neither would Vanderbilt.

· All dogs and cats would have forever homes.

· Everyone would be born with a sense of humor – as well as the ability to tell the difference between humor and sarcasm.

· The Buffalo Bills would have at least one Super Bowl victory on their resume. No team should ever have to lose their biggest game of the year four times in a row.

· Amendment to previous entry: that excludes Notre Dame.

· There would never be bad hair days. Or acne. Or toothaches. And, lest we forget, calculus.

· History books would not contain the names of Hitler, Stalin or Mussolini.

· Ice cream would be considered one of the four major food groups.

· If not ice cream, then pizza.

· Archie Bunker, and anyone just like him, would all be fictional characters.

· There would be no such thing as scam artists, hackers or con men.

· All politicians would have the best interests of their constituents at the top of their to-do lists.

· All fast food drive-thrus would operate like the ones at Chick-fil-A. Their food would taste as good, too.

· Liver wouldn’t taste like – well, liver.

· Teachers and first responders would have the same status in society as movie stars and professional athletes.

· Dec. 7 would be just another day. So would 9/11.

· There would be a cure for cancer. Better yet, there would be no cancer to begin with.

· Mom would have been around to see my first book published.

· Every driver would understand that a green light means “proceed with caution” rather than “punch it.”

· There would still be sunshine when she’s gone.

· Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin would have been with us more than 27 years.

· No parent would ever have to bury a child. That way our son Josh would have outlived his dear old dad.

· If peace on earth, good will toward men also included women … and wasn’t just observed during the holidays but practiced each and every day of the year.

Wouldn’t it be nice if they could all come true? And, if life was truly, truly fair, what you would hear on elevators would be the songs of the Beach Boys. And most certainly not muzak.