T. GAMBLE: Anybody got a P.C. Police-approved costume list?

Halloween is yet again upon us. I knew little about Halloween until I had children, or, more accurately, until my wife had children.

When she had the children, I just sort of stood around in the back of a cramped, sterile, white room while she won the cussing contest for, I think, the entire first decade of the 21st century and then gave birth to the Princess and Hurricane boy.

Thankfully not on the same day.

I said damn that looked rough and went outside to proclaim to the waiting grandparents what a great job I just did, all the while thinking the human race would die out without a whimper before I would even consider having a baby.

I don’t want anything coming out of me that is bigger than the bass I use to have hanging on the wall. Worse yet, as soon as they come out, they cry and want to be held. If I just had a baby and then some fool handed the crying baby to me, I’m afraid I’d chuck it across the room.

But, back to Halloween. I grew up in the country. I did not go trick-or-treating as a child. Never. Not once.

This fact traumatizes my children, who think I may need psychological counseling because of this deprivation. Then again. they may think I need the counseling because of articles like this one.

I’m really not sure.

All I do know is that Halloween is now a big deal, not just to children, either, but adults as well.

For a while, it was really fun, but now the politically correct police have just about ruined it for everyone. I see where several college campuses have issued warnings about certain costumes people should not wear.

Several warn that little girls should not wear the newest Disney girl costume because she is of Polynesian descent and it would be “stealing” her culture.

Say what? A little girl idolizes this Disney character and wants to play like she is her and it is offensive? I saw where a female whom I do not know, but instantly like, tweeted, saying, “Let me get this straight, an 8 year old can choose their gender but not their Halloween costume?”

Ohio State warns no Indian costumes, no cowboys, no Arab turbans, no Prince if you are white, no head gear of any type if you are white, and, thank God, no Caitlyn Jenner.

Now, in case you don’t already have enough reasons to hate the University of Florida, they go a step further and ban all of those and then some, but announced that if, as a student, you are traumatized by any costume, the student can call their “U Matter We Care” hotline, which is open 24 hours a day, and they will offer counseling.

And these students are supposed to one day be our leaders?

Even better, if you identify the offender wearing the offensive costume, they will have to report to the “Bias Education and Reform Team” for re-education.

I swear I am not making this up.

Now, I would also note it is fine and dandy to wear a costume making fun of priests, nuns, the clergy, police and the president.

Well, that does it for me. I’m dressing up as a gun-toting, traditional-values, heterosexual, marriage-is-between-man-and-woman, conservative-voting, NASCAR-watching, standing-at-the-national-anthem, praying-before-meals, work-for-what-you-get Southern male.

I’m sure that costume will be banned, so let me know when University of Florida calls to send me to the Bias Education school. I can’t wait to meet with those idiots.

Happy Halloween!

Email T. Gamble at [email protected].