T GAMBLE: Babies’ gender reveal now too complicated

As most of you know by now, I have two children, ages 14 and 15. I started late and obviously didn’t have a clue what I was doing, and still don’t, but I would not change a thing. When both my children were born, I chose to go the old-fashioned route, and I did not find out whether they were a boy or a girl until the day they were born.

Back then, in 2003 and 2004, things were simpler. You either had a girl or you had a boy. Now, so they tell me, you may have a boy, but he may identify as a girl in which case he is really a girl, even though he may be built like John Holmes. You might have a girl who identifies as a boy even though she’s built like Mae West. You could have a child who identifies as neither and becomes, well, to tell you the truth, I don’t know what they become, but I think it is easier for them to get an open bathroom since they can go to either one I suppose. I think they are binary, whatever that means. I’ve seen where there are now 47 choices of “gender” in one state on the driver’s license and 58 on Facebook.

Listen, I have enough problems choosing between no salt, light salt or regular salt butter without having to now run down a list of 47 selections before I can determine what exactly somebody is. Which brings me to today’s dilemma. When my children were born, we sent a birth announcement out and I think President Bush held a parade in Washington, but I’m not completely sure about that last part. That was about all that happened. But nowadays, my Lord, there must be the all-encompassing gender reveal.

Gender reveals started cleverly enough by folks releasing a few balloons, either pink or blue in color. That no longer works because balloons kill birds and besides, who has 47 different-colored balloons, just in case? It then advanced to blowing up things with the smoke turning either blue or pink. You’d need to take out Ft. Benning to get enough smoke for all 47 colors. But now blowing up things has become old news.

So, now what? How do we gender reveal and still top the last gender reveal? Maybe a fighter plane flyby would work or a staged tank battle. I just do not know. Maybe gender reveals have passed their time, since we really can’t be any gender anymore anyway. I mean we have all been looking in a baby carrier, see the baby, look for tell -tale signs of color apparel to reveal the baby’s sex, only to say “she is soooo cute” and the father look over and say “He’s a boy now drop dead.”

Those days are so over. You now just look and say, “Oh look at the … I mean look at how beautiful life is. I bet you can’t wait until this life form chooses what the life form is! It is so exciting! I shouldn’t say this, but I’m so hoping the life form will choose to be Pangender. Wouldn’t that be exciting!”

Well, I’m glad I got my two just in time to be a boy and a girl. I’ll have to wait for selection day when the grandchildren arrive.

Email T Gamble at [email protected].