T. GAMBLE: ‘Bout time to go whole hog

I’m afraid my presumed Pot Bellied Pig has now reached critical mass.

As some of you may recall, several years ago I purchased a purported Pot Bellied pig at a school auction. For reasons unknown to me, Miller Lite does not have a warning that it may cause someone to do such a thing, and there you have it.

She was originally named Valentine since she was purchased the day before Valentine Day, but then we discovered she was he and, well, the name just didn’t fit, plus now we don’t know if he can still go to the women’s bathroom in North Carolina anymore.

So now, instead, we call him Some Pig.

Well, by God, he is Some Pig.

He weighs about 350 pounds, thus the “purported” Pot Bellied Pig description. According to the Spruce, an internet site dedicated to Pot Bellied Pigs, the average Pot Bellied Pig weighs 100 pounds.

Either I got some other type pig or this one will soon qualify for a role on the pig version of “My 600 Pound Life.”

I grew up on a farm and we never believed you could get a pig too fat. I may need to readjust my thinking. The Spruce says the Pot Bellied Pig got its name because when a sow is pregnant their belly sometimes drags the ground. Well, poor Some Pig, he is for sure not pregnant, but his belly does drag the ground.

The Spruce warns one can overfeed a Pot Bellied Pig. I guess I should have read this about four years ago. It says if fat rolls accumulate above the pigs eyes he is too fat.

Just for your information, I use that same guide for me as a human. So far, I do not have any fat rolls above my eyes.

Unfortunately, on the other hand, you cannot see Some Pig’s eyes because they are covered by his fat rolls.

It further said do not feed him salty food, or fatty food, and give him a children’s multi-vitamin daily. Listen, I can’t remember to take my own multi-vitamin every day. I be damn if I’m going to have to try and keep up with the pig’s new pill routine, too.

They finally warn if he quits eating, take him to the vet.

I have to wonder about the folks that write the Spruce. If that is the criteria for vet visits, my poor vet will go broke because there are two things certain in this world. The Pig ain’t going to quit eating, and neither am I.

I thought about cutting back on the leftover ice cream and potato chips my wife feeds him. Maybe he’d rather his stomach did not drag the ground. Who knows? But I do know if I cut back on Some Pig’s food, he will rampage the barn. I cannot handle a rampaging 350-pound pig.

So it must be. Some Pig and I will just have to accept the consequences of too much salty food and ice cream.

Email columnist T. Gamble at [email protected].