T. GAMBLE: ‘Bout time to protest the protesting

We now have a new president in office and with his arrival comes the obligatory mass protest from various groups.

America, I am afraid, has become one massive protest organization after another. We will protest anything in America today.

The largest protest was from women, many who said they were protesting for “women’s reproductive rights.” It seems to me they should have said they were protesting for women’s right not to reproduce, because they were protesting for the right to abort their unborn child, not protesting for the right to have a child. I think China is the only place I know of where folks protest to be able to have a child and, once they do there, China settles the issue by executing the protester.

Now, the protesters presumably had already been engaging in activity that could cause the birth of a child and now they wish to ensure they can reverse this decision if they so desire. So, I propose they at least accurately label the protest as such.

Americans also protested the use of elephants in the circus, leading to the dismal news that Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, the Greatest Show on Earth, will close.

Protesters ignored the fact captive elephants live almost 20 years longer than those in the wild and the fact that people, after seeing these massive beasts in the show, become enthralled with them, spurring them to try and protect them from slaughter in Africa. But now, we will have none in the circus, no kids will see them and soon no one will care.

On the bright side, kids will not be scared by clowns anymore either which should cut down Facebook traffic by 20 percent, as scary clown videos will vanish forever.

SeaWorld also announced killer whales will no longer be in their shows after protests from animal rights groups.

Some believe the killer whales were “unhappy” in captivity. I’m not sure, but I think a killer whale spends most of its time searching to kill other species so that it can eat. Those in captivity enjoy food buffets every day. It seems to me their very goal in life is being provided every day.

I guess using their logic I should free my dog to hunt for food as he is “bored” by my providing free food and table scraps. I think I will wait to tell Fathead, my almost-full-blooded Rottweiler, who is, of course, from parts unknown. Fathead might adjust to killing the neighborhood cats, I suppose, but I’m pretty sure Levi, my Rat Terrier, will not fare so well.

But, at least according to PETA, he would be happy during the two weeks it takes for him to starve to death.

I’ve also determined the quickest way to draw a big crowd in America today is to claim you are building a pipe line … any-where. You could announce the building of a pipeline that transports gold bars and there would be a protest. If I announced I was building one in my backyard, by 6 p.m. 250 ragged folks would be there singing songs and holding hands.

Protesters in South Dakota came out in droves and blocked the pipe line there in subfreezing weather. They then complained that if something was not done for them to provide shelter, they might freeze to death.

How about going back to your home?

I don’t know. Our country was founded upon the principle of protest. The tea party started it all in Boston. But back then, we didn’t have bridges with eight lanes to block and Starbucks to bomb.

Next week, I plan to protest all the protests. I am officially against any protest that gets in my way. I protest you blocking my road, my business, my lifestyle, or who I vote for.

Whew, I feel better already.

Email T. Gamble at [email protected].