T. GAMBLE: First salvos fired in U.S.-China balloon war

I often enjoy watching documentaries about historical events and, of course, serial killers. I may be one of the foremost experts in the country on serial killers based solely upon having watched every Ted Bundy-Jeffrey Dahmer film produced.

As important as serial killers are, however, I also really like series on war. Yes, by now I’m sure you can see a pattern of extreme violence, and if I were on Facebook I might now be banned for 30 days.

Regardless, I am enthralled by trench warfare during World War I where both sides just dug deep trenches and then stayed a distance apart for months on end, occasionally coming out of the trenches to kill a few thousand each and then retreating. The distance between them was known as no man’s land, and if you ended up there, well, you likely died there.

Each side wanted to know where the other’s artillery was located, and where the troops were amassed, but if they got out of the trenches, goodbye. So, they came up with the warfare idea to put folks in a balloon so they would be high above everyone and they could then point out where everyone was located. It did give a great view but also greatly exposed the guy in the balloon to being snipered, or the balloon shot down. Before long it was very hard to get anybody to go up in the balloon. Thus, balloons in warfare ended rather quickly … or did it?

Lo and behold, the Chinese have now attacked the United States with balloon warfare. Who would have ever guessed? And it appears we were helpless as the balloon snuck into the U.S. without a slither of resistance. These Chinese balloons are so swift, clandestine, and dangerous that it floated around for several days before we finally shot it down with a F-22 fighter jet.

I am not a fighter pilot and could not qualify to be one if my life depended upon it. But if I received orders to scramble into action to shoot down a balloon, I’d refuse and tell them to maybe try an attack helicopter, or how about let the ROTC unit nearest to the balloon take target practice at it from the ground. I mean shooting down a balloon with an F-22 is like shooting a dove on a power line, not that there is anything wrong with that, especially if you have shot a box of shells and only have two birds so far.

Perhaps this is the first confirmed kill in a new war with China, but I hope not. For one, it will be agonizing to watch as the balloons slowly drift over the ocean and attack America. It could again takes days before we figure out they are here. I mean China could have used spy satellites, or nuclear weapons, or long range missiles, but instead they now have advanced balloons.

I tell you this right now, I can’t wait to go to the balloon festival in Helen this year to see what may be cooking. We may have some high-powered machine gun stealth balloons.

I may start traveling by balloon. It is environmentally approved, better than electric, and good enough to go all the way from China to the U.S. on one charge. Plus, I don’t have to go through TSA when flying by balloon. They are obviously pretty sneaky, so I could fly over Area 51, or the Pentagon, without notice.

I’m calling my congressman to see if we can’t subsidize balloons like electric cars and pretty much everything else sold in America. If so, I’m buying one. You may see me drifting by. But not right away. It takes several days to see someone in these sneaky balloons.