T. GAMBLE: Here’s an idea that really stinks

I read an article this week in The Atlantic concerning a guy, James Hamblin, who decided not to shower for one month to see what effect it might have.

I’m not sure about all the effects this experiment might have but I’m pretty sure it would cut down on invitations to boring events one did not wish to attend. Of course, it would also probably cut down on invitations to fun events, too. But that is just my uninformed opinion, having never tried to go a month without showering.

I guess I should research the matter a little more thoroughly. Maybe I’ll ask the Hurricane 12-year-old boy, as I think he may have done such a thing once or twice. And I did have a couple of college roommates who I’m sure did not sober up for over a month straight and, who knows, they may not have showered for a month either.

Hamblin claims he did this to see whether natural microbes found in the gut, which also are found on the skin, might keep him smelling fresh and clean without washing. I mean, as we all know, a person’s gut practically smells like a blooming tulip, don’t we?

Now, Hamblin self-reported all results, so it may be a little difficult to say whether he really smelled bad or not. He claims to have learned three things, which, in my humble opinion, would be three more things than he knew before he tried this ridiculous experiment.

First, he admits during the first few days he did indeed smell bad. Well, how he did not receive a Nobel prize for this discovery I’ll never in a 1,000 years understand. Man, the injustice of it all.

But he then says, “After a while, your ecosystem reaches a steady state, and you stop smelling bad … you don’t smell like rosewater but you don’t smell B.O. either.”

Hmm. I fear ol’ Hamblin has never heard of going nose blind.

He says, second, your skin will now moisturize itself. In fact, a fellow female colleague who did the same experiment said her acne cleared up.

I guess that is good, as acne could affect one’s dating life. On the other hand, I seriously doubt not taking a bath for 30 days would have any real impact. Let’s see, dry skin versus smelling like Fathead my dog — it is a close call, but I think I for one will live with dry skin.

His third great revelation is that you will save much needed spare time. He says 20 minutes a day times the average lifespan will save almost two years of time. Two very, very lonely years, but two years none the less. I’m sure there are also collateral time savings, such as extra time now that no one visits unexpectedly or, for that matter ever.

Who knows? It might even stop those pesky in-laws from showing up. It might even stop the preacher from coming by during the fourth quarter of the football game when you are already eight beers into it.

I think I’ll have to give up the three new advantages, as my life is already so good it just would not be fair to the rest of the poor disadvantaged population. If you see Hamblin, however, tell him I said hello … from a good distance … like maybe a half-mile.

Email columnist T. Gamble at [email protected].