T GAMBLE: I’ll take a funeral over a wedding any day

Well, well, well, the royal couple finally got married and I could not care less. Millions of Americans, however, rose early in the morning so they could watch live the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

There are few things in life for which I will rise at 3 a.m., and a wedding ain’t one of them. I wouldn’t get up at 3 a.m. to watch my own wedding, much less anybody else’s. To tell you the truth, I don’t watch much of what goes on at the weddings I actually attend.

I’ve been to more weddings than I care to recall, and for the most part I don’t remember one single thing from any of them. Now women, on the other hand, will remember 12 years later that the bridesmaid dresses were too short and the flowers did not match the room decorations. They will ooh and aah over the beautiful vows and the first kiss.

All I remember is that I missed the first half of Georgia-Tennessee because they set the wedding at kickoff time. If given a choice between a wedding and a funeral, I’ll take going to a funeral. There is at least a chance I did not like the SOB that died, and I’ll get some pleasure out it.

If I ever find myself with an ailment that will not allow me to pee, I think I’ll just go to a wedding. As soon as I sit down at a wedding I have to pee, usually about the same time the bride is coming down the aisle. People look over at me and say, “Gosh I never knew T was so sentimental he’s crying at their wedding, and I didn’t even know he knew them that well.” I was crying from holding it in so long.

I once made the mistake of drinking three or four beers and going to a night wedding. The ceremony lasted about as long as the mini-series “Lonesome Dove.” I almost imploded on the third row of the First Baptist Church pew. On the positive side, my bladder will now hold a medium-size Yeti cooler of one’s favorite beverage.

As for the royal wedding, I’m not sure Meghan really knows what she’s getting into. The royal family can be a bit stuffy. Imagine having Prince Charles as a father-in-law. He’s boring just to look at. I get sleepy every time I see his face on TV.

Meghan is half African American, and I know that doesn’t mean she necessarily listens to music from the Death Row label, but I’m pretty sure she is not listening to Johnny Mathis, who I think Prince Charles thinks is, in his words, “really swinging.” And, imagine the Queen mother. She’d have already beheaded my 13-year-old Hurricane boy if he were around her. Stand straight, rise when a lady enters the room, take your hat off at the table … blah blah blah.

I notice that Meghan wore a very white wedding gown for the occasion. I’m sure the Queen mother noticed that Meghan has been married once before for four years. Presumably in four years, at least a little something happened, but then again maybe not. White for purity may now be passe’. I mean, what do I know about wedding customs? Once they started leaving out the love, honor and obey part for women to say, I sort of lost all confidence in the whole damn thing to tell you the truth.

I hope Meghan did not marry hoping to one day be Queen. Harry is sixth in line and has about as much chance of becoming King as I do of becoming a ballerina. Unless, of course, misfortune strikes those above him opening the door to such an unlikely ascent to the throne. Maybe Harry should have married a Clinton?

Email T. Gamble at [email protected].