T GAMBLE: Is it child abuse not to buy your kids a Volvo?

I read with great interest a recent press release sent out by Volvo. As we all know, Volvo is the safest automobile on the planet. How, you may ask, do I know this? Well, I know this because Volvo tells me, and anybody else that will listen, 20,000 times a day that they are the safest automobile in the world.

I actually suspect it is a form of child abuse to let your new 16-year-old baby drive anything but a Volvo. They have side air bags, and brakes that stop you even while you are trying to dig the cellphone out from under the seat after it fell between the seat and the console when you were eating your double Whopper that was supposed to be made your way, but instead had mustard and cheese on it when you told them to put only catsup. It most definitely was not your way, and this caused you to knock your phone onto the floor.

They also have detectors that let you know when you have swerved onto the side of the road or crossed the center line. Back in the day, I’d just have to cut that thing off coming home from the country club. There are all kinds of other safety features so you can basically drive off a cliff into a moving freight train and live to tell friends about it.

Now, however, Volvo has the newest safety feature. All of their new cars will not go over 112 mph. That’s right, no more driving 125 mph to get the kids to school on time when you have three minutes to get there and 5 miles to cover.

I don’t even know why one would buy the safest car in America if it will no longer go over 112 mph. Who ever heard of such? Volvo’s CEO, Hakan Samuelsson, said, “While a speed limitation is not a cure-all, it’s worth doing if we can save one life.” Well now, is 112 mph the cut-off for death in a Volvo? How did they arrive at 112 mph? Do folks in Volvos who crash at 110 mph come out fairly well? Maybe just a few broken bones and a big insurance claim?

I remember back in the late ’70s they passed a law where the speedometer on all cars would not show past 85 mph. Talk about ruining the experience of going 155 mph in a Roadrunner with worn-out tires on a gravel paved country road. That did it. I almost boycotted my 18th and 19th year over that one.

Imagine if all other companies follow suit. Hyundai’s may have their limit at 78 mph. The old Ford Pinto would be at 35 mph. You know, set the max speed at the survivorship speed of the vehicle. You might set a Humvee at 200 mph. Who knows. Those old long Cadillacs from the ’70s might be 200 mph, too. I don’t think a Smartcar will fair very well. I just don’t know.

What I do know is there is a giant conspiracy to take the fun out of every last thing left in America. I may not drive 125 tomorrow, but if I want to, by gosh, I want to be able to. Give me a car with 160 mph on the speedometer and let me dream. And Volvo, I’ll be whipping right by you as your alarm system goes off and all the airbags come out. But I might buy my daughter one when she turns 16, and I might buy the Hurricane boy one when he turns 16 if you’ll throttle it on down to 75 mph.

Email T Gamble at [email protected].