T GAMBLE: Man’s guide to the ‘glow’ of pregnancy

As I am subject to do from time to time, I must complain today. The state of the American male is, well, bad. The American male I grew up with, and loved, is on life support. The so-called men being raised today are a mere shell of the boys I grew up with.

I could blame this on many things from the media to feminism to single-parent homes. But, I mostly blame it on women. For some reason they seem intent on turning every red-blooded American male into some type of metrosexual sensitive emotion-gushing blubbering idiot. Why don’t they get it over with and just become lesbians?

Everywhere I go now, some young couple tells me they are pregnant. I have big news for them. They may be deeply in love. They may be going on a worldwide trip together. They may even decide to work together, But they most decidedly are not pregnant.

My wife had two children. I was there for their birth. I still get on my knees and thank God I was not giving birth. I was an uncomfortable spectator. Never once did I have morning sickness, although I did gain 10 pounds. I did not have labor pains, and nothing weighing 8 pounds came out of my body.

We were not pregnant. She was pregnant. I just provided an initial contribution to the entire event. Were it that I was required to give birth, I would have immediately joined a monastery and become a monk before I would consider such a thing.

Women also decided at some point in the not too distant past that a “couples” shower would be a great thing for the soon-to-be-born baby. Of the top one million events I might could attend in the next five years, attending a baby shower may rank somewhere about 999,998, ranking just before being put in an ISIS cage and burned alive and right after ending up as a contestant in the newest “Saw” movie.

Men do not like to ooh and aah over baby gifts. Men don’t even know what baby gifts are. Men ooh and aah over 12-packs and 400 horsepower boats. Men have no idea what to say to a pregnant woman. They say things like, “Man looks like it is going to be a big ‘un.” Or “I know John will be glad when that thing pops out so he can get back to business.”

For unknown reasons, women do not appreciate such kind gestures of sincere concern, so men have now been browbeaten to comment about what a glow the expectant mother has. The average male would not recognize the glow of a pregnant woman if she glowed in the dark like a lightning bug. The only glow a man warms up to is a neon Pabst Blue Ribbon sign or one that says nude women here.

So don’t be offended if we’re not pregnant and I ain’t coming to the shower. But I must say you have a very pretty glow about you.

Email T Gamble at [email protected].