T GAMBLE: They don’t make monsters like they used to

Now that Halloween is over, perhaps I can turn on television without seeing “Halloween VI” or “Friday the 13th X.”

When I was growing up, there were really only a few basic scary horror characters. First and foremost, there were ghosts. They were sneaky and looming around the corner or in the attic. They might be in a graveyard or near a home where tragedy struck. But one thing was a certainty, they were full-grown, scary, dead folks. You know, murderers, or the town’s former evil and wicked rich man, or someone left behind after being tragically killed.

What they weren’t, is children. Nowadays, every horror movie has some creepy little girl, with long hair covering her face, waiting to terrorize a family of five, including the family dog. Listen, no 6-year-old apparition is going to make me jump out the third floor hotel room window. It still takes a full-grown ghost, by God, to get me to wet my pants and scream like a 5-year-old girl.

The other characters were werewolves and vampires. I dreaded full moons and foggy nights. But now, there must be 1,200 different monsters; hell hounds, alien creatures that eat out your stomach, futuristic robots, zombies, “the Walking Dead” (sorry I swore I would not mention Joe Biden anymore), and on and on it goes.

I can’t keep up anymore. I also can’t be scared if I don’t know what the creature is that I am supposed to be scared of.

“Dark Shadows” was the creepy vampire show of my time. Barnabus was the vampire, and he might suck you dry at any time. One time he was captured and sealed up between two brick walls while being manacled to the wall. They showed him bound up as the brick mason began to put brick by brick until he was totally sealed off between the walls. Now, that is scary. Today’s horror shows just rip your head off and then use it as a bowling ball.

Plus now, they have werewolves and vampires falling in love with each other and all sorts of stuff. I liked it better when the beautiful blonde fell in love with the man who was a werewolf and tried to figure out how to deal with this problem. But now, we have complex stories of the vampires and werewolves having to hide their forbidden love from each clan.

I am sorry, but I don’t need my monsters humanized. I need monsters to be monsters. Werewolves that strike during a full moon. Vampires that only come out at night. Both incapable of being reasoned with. Don’t bore me with slash and gore. If I want to see that, I’ll go visit Chicago.