TALK NERDY TO ME: Is there a sasquatch a(big)foot in South Georgia?

As you may have heard, there is a monkey running around the Southwest Georgia landscape. Word from the Department of Natural Resources is that the animal is a Rhesus macaque.

I learned about these monkeys on “Wildboyz,” the MTV nature show starring the two guys on “Jackass” who did more drugs than Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison combined, so I’m pretty much an expert on them. They are brown, comfortable around humans and have many complex cognitive abilities. They are also native to Central, South, and Southeast Asia. So what is one doing in Southwest Georgia?

I’m not 100 percent sure that it actually is a Rhesus macaque, and while I am anything but a conspiracy theorist, I do think it is possible the DNR knows more than they are telling.

The monkey in question does not typically travel far, preferring to stay close to its home range. However, this animal has been sighted in locations separated by more than 60 miles, and the DNR believes the sightings are of the same animal. They have not reported any suspected origins for it, but there is a transplanted colony of feral Rhesus macaques in Silver Spring, Fla. If it can travel that distance as quickly as reported, surely it’s not out of the question it could have come from this group.

I’d also like to ask who in this region of the Georgia even knows off-hand what a Rhesus macaque looks like? Apart from myself, only five or six other people watched “Wildboyz,” and it’s not like you can just walk into a pet shop and buy one. I’m guessing that it was identified based on the descriptions from reported sightings.

How would you describe a Rhesus macaque? It’s brown, furry, has two arms and two legs, kind of a human-looking face, and is small. Apart from that last adjective, there’s another animal that fits that description.

The Hendersons know who I’m talking about. A skunk ape. Bigfoot. Sasquatch.

I’m not saying I’m a believer, but I’m also not arrogant enough to assume I know everything. I’ve been to Roswell and have experienced things that I believe are supernatural. UFOs, ghosts and cryptozoology, while definitely on the fringe, have always been at least a passing interest of mine and I think there’s nothing wrong with asking questions.

I’ve never seen a sasquatch, never even really hunted for one, but there have been sightings in this region before. There have been multiple bigfoot sightings at Kinchafoonee Creek, one of the locations the animal in question has been reported at. There have also been sightings in Bainbridge and on MCLB, which match up with current reports.

The one thing that doesn’t match up with reports of a sasquatch is the word small. Bigfoot is known for not only having big feet, but generally being big all around. However, they can’t be big all the time. The young must surely be described as “small.” What would a youngling be doing by itself? Animals often leave their young unattended while they are foraging.

If what was seen was indeed a young bigfoot — a baby sasquatch, if you will — would a government authority really admit it? Or would they keep it under wraps and tell everyone that it was something else while they locked it away in the warehouse from “Raiders of the Lost Ark?”

I don’t like to promote insane theories. I spend a lot of time on Facebook calling people out for sharing stuff that is unfounded. The DNR is still in what it calls the “information stage.” Whatever is out there, it probably is best to avoid it if you see it. Call the authorities and let them know. If it is a Rhesus macaque, it may be carrying diseases or could harm you in other ways. If it is a baby sasquatch, the mother could be nearby, and you probably don’t want to get in between a mommy sasquatch and her young.

Jack Parks writes about Nerd Culture in his column, “Talk Nerdy to Me.”