WARREN GRANT: An ex’s deep philosophical incantation

Now, by God! That’s a phrase my first wife used constantly when getting ready to start a fight or let everyone around know who was boss. I have never understood what that phrase was supposed to mean. Was it to invoke God to come help you? It just never made sense to me.

I can recall the many times she used it, and it was usually in a crowd when she decided that the “force” was with her. We were on a cruise, and the first night were set for a formal dinner. We place our orders and not long after the food was served, I made a comment: “If this tastes just half as good as it smells, it going to be great. When y’all get done with the salt down there, pass it this way.” (A special note here: Not many restaurants salt the food because people have different tastes and some don’t use salt at all so it’s left up to you.)

That was her cue.

“Now, by God, why don’t you wait until you’ve tasted your food first to see if you need salt? You’ve always got to be the center of attention everywhere we go (said in a raised voice).”

We were sitting at a table of 16 and the room was full of tables, you can bet everyone heard her. This was just the beginning.

At a Christmas party, to which she was not invited but I knew I couldn’t slip out of the house dressed up, we were late getting there. I quickly made a drink because I figured that I was going to need a lot of alcohol to get through the night. The host had tried to light a fire many times but to no avail. I couldn’t resist rubbing it in.

“Who skipped fire-lighting in Boy Scouts 101?” I joked.

The host admitted that he had, but he used up all the paper available so he stopped and told me that he couldn’t make a fire.

I said, “I don’t need any paper I just need a match.”

“I got to see this” he said.

I picked up a log he had been trying to light and got down on the hearth to make some small chips when this loud voice directly behind me yelled, “I just got this carpet cleaned this week.”

I decided I would go outdoors to make some chips. Now this was Christmas time in Illinois. It was below zero and the snow was pretty deep, but I scrapped some back and got the chips. I had a fire going in 10 minutes.

The party was humming along with some chatter and questions being asked and answered, usually by yours truly. Another question came up and it happened: “Now, by God, why don’t you let someone else answer? You’ve always got to be the center of attention!”

I offered her the opportunity to answer it.

“Alright you’ve just cheesed everyone off; we’re going home,” I said, to which she replied, “You can go home, but I’m not.”

You can fill in the rest of the story.

“Now, by God, wait a minute,” I knew something was coming but I didn’t know what.

I still don’t know what this phrase meant. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t asking God to help … maybe a scare tactic? By God, if anyone can help me with this, please let me know. May God forgive me if I have displeased him. Amen.