CARLTON FLETCHER: Hearing the things folks didn’t say

Everybody’s talking at me, I don’t hear a word they’re saying.

— Harry Nilsson

Staff Photo

Following are things you are most likely never going to hear said aloud:

— By gasoline manufacturers/distributors: The American people have enough problems with these storms causing all kinds of havoc. Let’s lower our prices to help loyal customers and beleaguered citizens get through these trying times.

— By Attorney General Jeff Sessions: There’s no place in our country for hate groups and their racist practices.

— By members of the Lee County Commission: Gosh, we didn’t know building a hospital in the county was going to cause such commotion. Maybe we ought to rethink this.

— By Hillary Clinton: You know, I just ran the dumbest campaign in the history of U.S. politics. No wonder I lost to Donald Trump.

— By the NRA: My gosh, with all this violence in our gun-crazy country, maybe we ought to start advocating for some sensible gun control.

— By Mitch McConnell: With all the issues facing our country today, it’s time we put aside petty partisan politics and started focusing on what we can do to improve this once-great land.

— By any Kardashian: I wish people would stop taking pictures of me. My family and I really value our privacy.

— By Korean leader Kin Jong Un: Maybe it’s time I shut my big mouth before I bite off more than my people will be forced to chew.

— By Southwest Georgia outdoorsmen: I think I’m going to skip deer hunting season this year and maybe join my wife for that weekend candling class she’s been taking.

— By reality TV fop Todd Chrisley: There’s nothing more delightful than a beautiful woman.

— By social media nutcases who turn every rumor, half-truth and juicy tidbit of gossip into a “fact” that they share with all their “friends”: Maybe I should have done a little research before sending out that last post that left me looking like such an ass.

— By local mom-and-pop foodie entrepreneurs: There just aren’t enough chain restaurants here in Albany.

— By voters in Albany’s Ward II: What we need as the 2017 municipal election gets closer is a little variety among available candidates.

— By Hospital Authority of Albany-Dougherty County board members: Wonder what the latest is on the Phoebe Factoids site?

— By supporters of the state’s top-ranked Lee County Trojan football program: Remember that time our defense gave up 70 points to Westover?

— By students in Deerfield-Windsor School’s AP classes: This stuff is too hard.

— By any members of the band Prophets of Rage: There just isn’t anything to write about these days.

— By the typical “Game of Thrones” fan: This would be an even better show if there weren’t all these naked people all over the place.

— By any still-angry Atlanta Falcons fan who knows he or she likely will never see his or her team with a chance to win a Super Bowl again in his or her lifetime: Well, at least the guys played hard.

— By any commuter in downtown Atlanta: I think traffic’s getting a little better each year.

— By Donald Trump: After lots of thought and extensive research …

— By Stephen King: Yeah, “IT” is an OK movie, but I think they could have dialed back the creep factor a few notches.

— By Taylor Swift: My latest song was in no way intended to embarrass anyone in particular … I’m just practicin’ my art, y’all.

— By Dallas Davidson: I’m known back home in Albany and everywhere else I go as “Mr. Sensitivity.”

— By weathermen and -women who insist on calling themselves “meteorologists”: Guess our “model” was a bit off again on that 90 percent rain prediction. Those darned computers.

— By climate-change deniers dodging one tornado after another: Gosh, maybe Al Gore and all those scientists weren’t so crazy after all.

— By Albany city commissioners: So those are speed tables? And here I was thinking they would give our constituents somewhere else nice to eat.

Email Carlton Fletcher at [email protected]. Follow @ABH_Fletcher on Twitter.