CREEDE HINSHAW: ‘Minor irritants’ never enough to keep true believers from church

I love Sunday morning worship. Except for the four years I was in undergraduate school, I have rarely missed being in church on the Sabbath.

Even so, there are some minor morning worship irritants guaranteed to make me groan inwardly. Maybe some of you identify with these itty-bitty gripes:

NON-PRAYERS: Prayers are addressed to God. Prayers thank God, praise God for who God is or what God has done, seek forgiveness and express sorrow, ask for God to remember, or intervene. Telling God that our country is divided or that it’s sure been hot lately or there was a fire in California or that we’re gonna really enjoy the upcoming spiritual life retreat is not prayer. It is announcement or information, unnecessary and insulting. God already knows these things. Rambling, incoherent prayers remind me why the Episcopalians have a prayer book.

“THANKS FOR BEING HERE”: Worship attendance isn’t praiseworthy, it is expected. The harried pastor is happy for anything that looks like a real crowd. But thanking the congregation for walking through the doors is like thanking employees for showing up to work. Worship attendance should be expected, rain or shine, snow, sleet, hail, in season and out of season. Period.

“FINALLY”: A seminary professor warned us green preachers to never, never, never, use the word “finally” in a sermon unless we really meant it. “Finally,” once uttered, cannot be taken back. It unlocks dreams of the church parking lot and Sunday dinner. Countless hearts have been crushed because “finally” has little meaning to the pulpiteer.

PRONOUNS: Does anybody teach grammar anymore? I am puzzled and irritated when a speaker substitutes the word “myself” for the word “I” or “me.” When a pastor says, “Please talk to myself after the service,” it sounds like something spoken by a 5-year-old. And don’t get me started on substituting “we” for “I.” Can a pastor not speak for self?

OUT-OF-SYNCH SCREEN LYRICS: I’ve never tried to synch words and music on a worship screen, so my sympathies and admiration go with those who do this. But if the church is trying to convey excellence, can’t they find a skilled person to do it right? If not, please return to a hymn book.

EMBELLISHED ANNOUNCEMENTS: As an active pastor, I was dumb enough to believe I could make the upcoming chili cookoff so exciting that every church member would bring a heaping pot of chili, along with five first-time visitors. Now that I mostly sit in the pew, I see that not every church activity should be equally touted. Less is better. Most activities don’t need mention at all.

I conclude (finally!) this column acknowledging if former church members were describing my irritating worship habits there would be material for multiple columns. I hope my imperfections didn’t drive people off.

God should receive the very best effort from us week after week when we worship. Even so, minor irritants won’t stop me. When the church doors open, I am going to be there.