Bits of wisdom from the old man

ALBANY — Having just celebrated my 69th birthday, I felt the sudden need to share some of the wisdom and witticisms accumulated over the past decades in the hope that you will at least find some humor, if not enlightenment, in these random thoughts and recollections.

— Imagine my surprise after decades of using Irish Spring to cover my scent and smell like a pine tree only to discover that 10 out of 10 gardeners consider it to be the best deer deterrent for your garden.

— That good feeling you get when driving to the farm in the predawn darkness when your headlights illuminate what appears to be a dead cat in the middle of the road and you suddenly realize it’s only a chunk of a discarded hair weave.

— The good news is that your idea to put doe in heat on the bottom of your boots works in attracting deer. The bad news is that a bobcat follows your path to the base of the tree where you placed your stand. Now the question is, do you make eye contact?

— Nothing like sitting down at your stand on a dove shoot only to discover you brought a 12-gauge shotgun and a flat of 16-gauge shells.

— Wading a swamp looking for hogs the day after deer season ends only to come face to face with the biggest buck of your life bedded down 10 feet away not bothering to even get up. I swear he smiled.

— Come up on a massive bream bed and ease the anchor quietly over the side of the boat only to realize as you turn away the line is not tied to the boat.

— Coming to the realization that if you wear knee boots you will need hip waders, realizing if you wear hip waders you will need chest waders, and knowing if you wear chest waders, you are going to trip over a submerged limb that brings you to your knees or teasr a hole in the waders.

— While night fishing, you discover that wasps really do not sting in the dark. However, when your fishing partner turns on his headlamp to help you see what is crawling all over your face and arms after you went under that last cypress tree, that is no longer true.

— That feeling you get as the game warden counts your 15 birds and is checking your license when your retriever proudly comes up to present you with “another” dove.

— Putting on your hunting vest on the opening day of quail season only to find a lump in the game pocket. That explains why the closet smelled funky at the end of last season.

— Putting the uninvited guest of a guest in the worst stand on the property knowing that he will kill the largest deer of the season.

— The happy feeling that fades fast when you simultaneously realize the hook that only went halfway in now must be pushed all the way through the offending body part.

— If you want a good laugh and a free homemade breakfast, tell the “new guy” about the tradition of rotating breakfasts at each member’s home at 5 a.m. before each hunt and he is scheduled for opening day. A word of caution. This is a one-time deal with potential consequences.

— If you are single and in a what might become a committed relationship, never state a specific time that you will return from a hunt. “See you after dark” is as detailed as you want to be. Otherwise, you will frequently be late for most dates and special occasions. However, be sure that someone knows where you are hunting so that if in fact you do not return after dark, Search & Rescue will know where to start their search.

File Photo: Carlton Fletcher