T. GAMBLE: Stupid virus a new epidemic

I recently learned that Johns Hopkins University, in concert with Nebraska University, completed a study that included the discovery of a “stupidity virus.”

Yes, that is right. There is now a virus that causes stupidity and chances are it has already infected your very neighborhood. If you feel it has not infected your neighborhood, then come to mine, because I’m pretty sure it is rampart around where I live.

Dr. Robert Yolken, a virologist and pediatric infectious disease specialist, found this particular virus in human subjects decreased their IQ from seven to nine points. If some of my friends get this virus, a drop of seven IQ points could render them unable to speak. Dr. Yolken reports the virus lowers people’s ability to process visual information and decreases their attention span. Based on that evaluation, if the 10-year-old Hurricane boy gets the virus, I’ll need to build him a padded room.

I’m most concerned about folks now being able to blame their stupidity on the stupidity virus. We’ve already decided that alcoholism is not one’s fault, but rather it is a disease. Drug addiction, not your fault, it is a disease. Obesity also has now been labeled a disease.

This obesity disease is now running amuck across the country with no end in sight. If you don’t believe me, go to a Ryan’s all-you-can-eat buffet any week day at noon. There, you will find helpless victims, stricken by this dreaded disease, filling their plates with yeast rolls, mashed potatoes, fried chicken and an extra- large helping of soft serve ice cream for dessert. Often they are forced to loosen their belts so they can finish the meal.

But have no fear, even though these people have been dealt the bad hand of obesity disease, they still manage to bravely fight back by drinking a Diet Coke.

Currently, there is no cure for this tragic disease, except eating less and exercise, though any God-fearing American knows we don’t work all week so that we can eat carrot sticks and jog around the lake 12 times.

So, if someone cuts in front of you without turning on their left blinker, remember they could be a victim of the stupidity virus. We must not judge, but, instead, try to get them treatment.

Unfortunately, there is no known treatment for the stupidity virus, so for now we must simply ship those with the disease to Massachusetts, where they can easily blend in with the masses. They can also become telemarketers and customer service reps for major credit card companies. A few could apply to be defensive coordinators for Auburn’s football team, as it appears undiagnosed stupidity virus has been active on the defensive side for several years.

I imagine before long some defense attorney will raise the defense that his client was unknowingly infected with the stupidity virus and, thus, not accountable for his actions.

Perhaps mandatory testing should take place so that we can separate out those with this virus before it infects the entire U.S. population. I’m fairly certain it has already overtaken Congress and the elected leaders of our country. I would volunteer to be tested, but I’m afraid the virus might already have a hold of me and I don’t want to score a negative IQ.

Oh well, if you do something stupid today just remember, blame it on the virus.

Email T. Gamble at [email protected].