SCOTT LUDWIG: A nine-step guide on getting away with murder

Certainly you’ll understand this is strictly satire. So do not, under any circumstances, try this at home. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

There are some criminals who are so intelligent that they can recite every digit of pi. Backwards. Then there are other criminals who couldn’t find water if they were adrift at sea in a lifeboat. These are the ones who will get caught; the ones who won’t get away with it, whatever “it” might be.

 If only they’d watched a little television. Then they might have known better. (Now the satire begins.)

If you’re planning on committing the perfect crime and have never seen one of the more than 5,700 episodes of “Dateline,” “48 Hours” or “20/20” that have been televised for the last half-century, you might want to clip and save this for future reference. Consider these “Nine Commandments for Breaking the Sixth.”

— First and foremost, the victim needs to be someone other than your spouse, significant other or life partner. Otherwise, there is a 100% chance you will be a suspect, and if you fall short of any of the eight commandments after this, a 100% chance you will be caught. (Yes, I realize O.J. Simpson was found not guilty despite violating this commandment. But in his defense, he adhered to all the rest. Also, the glove didn’t fit.)
— Second, if you’re been looking into pulling off the perfect crime by conducting Google searches on the internet, delete your search history before going through with it. If there are certain topics in your search history that implicate you in the crime, good luck finding a defense attorney. Searches to avoid: How long does it take police to respond to the scene of a crime? Is it better to wash crime scene clothes or burn them? and Can deleted text messages be recovered? These and a host of others clearly raise suspicion.
— Third, know where surveillance cameras are located in the area of the crime. These days they’re practically everywhere, and in the places they’re not there’s almost certain to be someone nearby with a cellphone handy. So be especially careful if you plan on dumping the murder weapon in a trash can behind someplace like a local Dollar General.
— Fourth, be wary of leaving any traces of DNA behind. (If you’ve seen the man wearing a rubber suit in American Horror Story, you might want to follow his lead.) These days they can pull DNA samples from fingerprints, so wearing gloves is recommended. Just don’t ditch them behind a Dollar General.
— Fifth, law enforcement officials have the capability of tracking your movements by determining when and where your cellphone pings off of various cell towers. So you have three choices: (1) Turn off your cellphone, but have an alibi ready because that looks suspicious. (2) Leave your cellphone at home, although that might look even more suspicious. (3) Drop your cellphone in the coat pocket of a random stranger so they’ll be tracked instead of you, preferably someone who works at a Dollar General.
— Sixth, if you need any supplies to pull off your crime, don’t buy them at Walmart. In the vast majority of those more than 5,700 episodes mentioned earlier, the person who committed the crime is caught on Wally World surveillance footage: asking a sales clerk where the shovels are located, reading the label on a bottle of rat poison, or pushing a shopping cart full of bleach and plastic gloves through a self-checkout aisle.
— Seventh, if you get hungry on the day of the crime, under no circumstances should you request a receipt from whatever fast food restaurant or convenience store you frequent. Otherwise, someone will invariably find it later stashed in the glove compartment of your car. Rest assured, it will incriminate you some way or another.
— Eighth, if you have any distinguishing features – a noticeable limp, or perhaps seven fingers on your left hand – make sure they’re hidden from view before and after the commission of the crime. If possible, “do the deed” in a place where other people are known to have the same distinguishing feature as yourself. An old folk’s home or a circus, for example.
— Ninth, and pay particularly close attention to this one if you don’t want to be known as the next Black Widow: If a life insurance policy is involved, make sure that it’s not taken out on the intended victim just prior to and/or not cashed in immediately after said crime. Nothing spells guilt better than money, except maybe the letters g, u, i, l, t, and y.

There you have it. How to get away with murder in nine simple steps. And if you still have any doubts regarding their effectiveness, feel free to watch any of the more than 5,700 episodes that will prove they work. And if you do, be sure to tell Lester Holt I said hello.