SCOTT LUDWIG: Adrift – The con of the art

To say that celebrating Christmas Day on a cruise ship was different is an understatement. Art was one of the reasons why.

No, I don’t have the two nouns in the title in the wrong place – although the modus operandi of the people you will meet soon enough was rather artistic. But first things first.

My wife and daughter-in-law started the day with an early morning art class. Cindy, who was a budding artist in her youth, painted a lifelike scene of pine trees covered in snow. Esha, however, is a different story. Let’s just say that my daughter-in-law’s creation was sort of like stick figures – except with trees instead of people.

But since it happened on Christmas, let’s all agree that both pieces are works of art in their own unique way.

Speaking of works of art …there was an art auction on the ship later that day advertising what we thought would be paintings and drawings that sold for less than $500. However, speaking for myself, I was only there for the free champagne. Imagine our surprise when the auctioneer revealed the first piece and said it had sold for as much as $25,000 – but the bidding would start at just $15,000.

 “Just.”

A hush fell over the crowd. Or, if you prefer, crickets. How about this: everyone was as quiet as the Crimson Tide faithful after a loss in Tuscaloosa.

Ultimately a piece sold. It didn’t go unnoticed that was when the partial glass of watered-down bubbly started to be served. The auctioneer, who I believe was from Nigeria, introduced the rest of his team: six men and women from all over the world. In my mind I thought of them as a band of gypsies. (My apologies to the Jimi Hendrix band that used the name first.)

There were a couple of raffles throughout the course of the two-hour auction. By the time it was over, everyone – and I mean everyone — in the crowd had ‘won’ a $100 gift certificate toward the purchase of one work of art. I happened to be the only person who won twice, for which I received a gift certificate for a free painting that was redeemable at 8 p.m. that evening.

It was a red flag when I was asked to make an “appointment” to pick it up. Toward the end of the auction, I bid on an animated drawing that I wanted to put in our movie room at home. I won with a modest bid of $50 and was told I could pick it up at my 8 o’clock appointment.

Flash forward to later that night. One of the gypsies asked me to take a seat at his desk. He invited me to tour the gallery “to add to my collection.” I said I didn’t have the wall space at home, so I would have to pass. He insisted over and over, and each time I refused. Eventually he gave up, otherwise I’d have told him what he could do with his art – and believe me it wasn’t very nice.

Finally convinced that I only wanted the animated drawing, he showed me the eight “works of art” from which I could choose my free gift. But only after I asked him about it, otherwise he probably wouldn’t have mentioned it. Although the auctioneer said everything bought during the auction included “free shipping,” that didn’t apply to my prize from the raffle. They would ship my free painting for only – drum roll — $400.

Fat chance. By this time I just wanted my animated drawing and to get the hell out of there, which is exactly what I said to the gypsy. More or less. Knowing I had to pay the Georgia state tax of 7% on the art, I said, “I owe you $53.50, right?”

Again, fat chance. While the shipping was indeed free, the cardboard tube in which the
drawing would be rolled up inside would cost $43. I took this as my cue to say what I wished I’d said earlier. Believe me: it wasn’t very nice.

Especially on Christmas.

Cindy’s drawing of the snow-covered pine trees is now on display in our home. For just the modest cost of the class, she created the best painting of the day. And now we can officially say we’re out of wall space.