SCOTT LUDWIG: The best birthday party ever

No one says “Happy Birthday, America” better than Donald Trump. Ask anyone wearing a MAGA hat if you have any doubt.

The man with an ego so large that it should have its own zip code is holding nothing back when it comes to celebrating the 250th anniversary of our country’s independence, the day we should all take the time to remember we all have the fundamental right to life,
liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

So enjoy it while you can because as for where we’ll be by the end of Trump’s second time on the presidential dance floor is anyone’s guess. But that’s another story for another day. Hopefully that won’t be necessary, but if I’m being realistic, it’s only a matter of time.

For now, let’s get back to the party and see what Orange Julius Caesar has in store:

— The introduction of a $250 bill into our currency system, with his likeness and EKG-like signature on the front. Despite it being against the law to print money with someone who is still alive on it, currency with that large a denomination doesn’t make any sense. For one thing, the chances of getting change if you tried using it in our current electronic economy are slim, because there’s not many businesses anymore with that kind of cash
in their registers. For another, there aren’t many people walking around carrying that much money to begin with. Besides, if you pay in cash, you’ll likely get the same looks I got several years ago when I wrote a check at the grocery store.

Trump would be better served to introduce something smaller, like a $25 bill. That way the majority of his sycophantic supporters would have just the right amount of money to pay for a case of PBR. And for those on the opposite end of the economic spectrum, a $25 bill would be the perfect tip for the guy who fetches their Mercedes from valet parking.

 The Freedom 250 Concert scheduled during the Great American State Fair this summer has seen a number of formerly scheduled performers dropping out after they learned the event wasn’t nonpartisan, as they were originally led to believe. Martina McBride, Bret Michaels, Young MC, and Morris Day are some who have already jumped ship. At this time, Vanilla Ice, Flo Rida, and C+C Music Factory are still in line to perform, leaving us all asking the same question: Whatever happened to Lee Greenwood?

At press time, there was a real possibility that Trump was going to be the headliner. In other words, since he isn’t having any luck getting anyone to perform, he may give a speech instead.

It will be like a red, white, and blue version of Lollapalooza. Only without any entertainment.

 The UFC – that stands for Ultimate Fighting Championship – will host the UFC Freedom 250, a mixed martial arts event, on the South Lawn of the White House. It is planned for June 14, allegedly to commemorate our country’s birthday, which actually is July 4. Realistically, the fight is to celebrate Trump’s 80th birthday, which just so happens to fall on June 14. Currently a 4,000 to 5,000-seat outdoor stadium is under construction at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. for the event. Between the construction of a temporary structure to watch men beat each other senseless — and the destruction of the East Wing to make room for Trump’s oversized and gold-embossed ballroom — it’s only a matter of time before we see the Beast, the president’s official state car, sitting on concrete blocks somewhere along Pennsylvania Avenue. People are saying – and by that I specifically mean me – that no one does white trash better than the White House.

That’s just some of what’s in store. There’s more, but I don’t have enough space to write about them: the commemorative passports with Trump’s face on them; the first automobile race ever held in the nation’s capital, the Freedom 250 Grand Prix; and the Rededicate 250 initiative for the National Day of Prayer that was held on the National Mall back on May 7 to remind us that we are one nation under God, even though Trump himself couldn’t attend because he chose to play golf instead.

Check your local listings for a full calendar of events. Be advised that there will be a lot going on, so times may vary. For example, in my case, the UFC fight falls on the exact day and time I planned to see the latest Steven Spielberg movie. Sure, I’ll hate to miss seeing Alex Periera take on Ciryl Gane for the UFC heavyweight title – let’s be honest, who wouldn’t? — but I already bought my ticket for the theater.

By the way, the title of the movie is “Disclosure Day.” I mention it as a reminder that all of Trump’s bells and whistles for the 250th anniversary are just part of a series of diversions to distract attention from the Epstein Files, and that there is still hope said files will have a disclosure day of their own.

And when that time finally arrives, just imagine: Spielberg will have the makings for another blockbuster. Reckoning Day.