T GAMBLE: Ending the holiday season with a whimper

The Christmas holiday was not too kind to me as I got hit with a nasty stomach virus, as if there is any kind other than a nasty one. I could give you all the details, but that would require my signing a medical release about the length of the Magna Carta and The Declaration of Independence. I suspect you’d rather avoid all that, but suffice it to say I was in bed for four days and still feel dead. In fact, I went to a funeral of someone I did not even know today just so I could look at the person in the coffin and see someone with more color in their face than me.

Unfortunately, the stomach flu was not all that hit me, as there is a distinct possibility I also was faced with the early throngs of a kidney stone. Test results will show more later, but a kidney stone has always been high on my bucket list so maybe I can cross that one off soon.

The doctor told me what doctors always tell me. It could just be a nasty virus, it could be a kidney stone that has not yet moved down to an area where you will really have fun, or it could be a very rare and seldom seen cancer. If it is the rare cancer you will have about three weeks to live, and we should have the test results back in about two and half weeks to let you know.

Now I don’t know a lot about kidney stones, but as soon as you even think they exist good and kind friends will call you to tell you how painful theirs were and how it will be excruciating. It’s kind of like being in the King’s dungeon and knowing they are coming soon to take you next to the torture room.

The thing that most gets my attention is the fact they always say it is more painful than childbirth. Well now, hold on just a minute. I am a male. I never intended to have childbirth. That is one of the reasons I never changed my sex to a female, along with the fact I look awful with blue eye shadow on.

I’m not sure how they know it hurts more than childbirth, but I am pretty sure passing anything through you know where will not be one of my better days. What bothers me most is that at least they give a woman fair notice for child birth. You know, “Ms. Johnson, your due date is June 10, 2019. You should have this child between June1 and June 15.” The woman can then sort of get ready. The kidney stone may come tomorrow, or it may be November 2019, at the Auburn-Georgia football game. Lines in the men’s bathroom at that game are long enough now without me in there trying to child bare a kidney stone.

I always see pictures in the local paper where someone helps a surprised mother have a child in the back seat of a cab or at a football game. I have yet to see even a mention of child baring a kidney stone.

I can guarantee you one thing. When or if the time comes, they can raise the stirrups, strap me in, and give me an epidural like they do women in childbirth. If it hurts as much as childbirth, then by gosh they ought to treat it the same. I witnessed both my kids being born, and I can attest epidurals are a very good mood enhancer for those in severe pain.

Now, I doubt such a thing will happen. I’ll just have to grin and bear it. Until then, maybe I will change sexes. Blue eye shadow is out, and I look fine in natural Earth tone colors.

Email T Gamble at [email protected].