KYLE DOMINY: Crazy Uncle Kyle’s ABCs, Part II: An education primer

Welcome back kids. Are you ready to learn a little bit more of the crazy little thing we call the alphabet? Well, you better be because Uncle Kyle is in no mood for your nonsense. You can go back to Snapchats and TikToks later. There’s plenty of time for big corporations and countries, foreign and domestic, to steal your information. Let’s pick up where we left off …

H is for helium, that gas that makes balloons float. If you inhale some, it makes your voice sound funny, but they say it’s bad for your brain. My cousin Geech was killed by helium. He wasn’t breathing it; it was in a tank and a gang of out-of-work party clowns beat him to death. It’s called the economy, and it’s tough on everybody.

I is for ice cream. Always eat your ice cream first. Dessert doesn’t ruin your supper, but that green stuff certainly will. In fact, secretly feed all your vegetables to the dog (if it managed to find its way home, that is), or just toss them out the window, then mommy and daddy will praise you for cleaning your plate and give you a double-serving of delicious, healthy ice cream.

J is for juggling. That’s what we’re going to learn to do with those shiny knives from the kitchen. How long do you think you can keep them in the air? It looks so easy on the internet.

K is for kite. See how the colorful kite sails on the breeze. Do you think you could fly if you tied yourself to a kite? That’s just stupid enough that it’s got to work. Let’s try it from the roof.

L is for Lenny. Lenny is one of Uncle Kyle’s alley friends. Stay away from Lenny. He cheats at dice, and he stole my lighter, my good Bic lighter with the monkey on it. That one was my favorite. He says he gave it back, but I know he has it.

M is for money. The love of money is the root of all evil, but money also makes the world go ’round. Mommy and daddy work hard to make money to buy you videogames and ice cream. You should do everything you can to help them save a little money, so they can buy more videogames and ice cream. Maybe give yourself a haircut?

N is for Nigerian prince. Posing as one is a great way to get more money. Set up a fake email and send a message to everyone in your dad’s contacts. Pretend to be a big shot in Nigeria who wants to send his riches to the United States. All the people have to do is front a few thousand dollars in “legal” fees. Rich people will do anything to get more money, and it’s only smart for you to take advantage of that. Then you can buy your own videogames and ice cream. Just don’t forget your ol’ Uncle Kyle, unless the police show up.

OK kids, that’s all for now. Uncle Kyle is getting bored. And what’s the best part of being an uncle? That’s right, telling you to hit the road.